JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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