Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
