God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
