Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
