Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
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