Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
