I will die if light touches me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
