So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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