remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
