Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
