I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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