my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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