My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
When are your genitals available?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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