When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
