yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
