Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
