I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
