Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
