I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
