Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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