Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
