also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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