Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
