so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
