I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
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Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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