he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
