Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
