I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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