I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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