there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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