I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
