Do you still have your period?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
