The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize