in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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