I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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