I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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