I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
