I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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