Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
