the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
