yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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