You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
