Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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