i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
