i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
