When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
