do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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