i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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