Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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