I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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