i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
